Disclaimer: this is long and involves detailed recounts of my sex life and sexual history. I will not apologize for “too much information”, because I take issue with sex being something that’s inappropriate to talk about. I find it a natural part of life that should be discussed with ease and readiness. That said, I understand that not everyone feels this way. If you continue reading now, you have at least been somewhat prepared by this disclaimer.
I’ve had sex with 14 people.
Nathan and I have been together almost 2 years. He’s the first one I’ve slept with who I’ve also been with in a longer-than-3-months relationship.
Up until recently, I always thought relationship sex was a farce. Something made up by Hollywood and the far right to lure you into the trap of sleeping with only one person for the rest of your life. My opinion (which hasn’t changed), is that having safe sex with multiple people helps you discover who you are sexually. I don’t think there is anything right about sex after marriage, because sex is a huge part of a relationship. Not having sex is like not talking about whether or not you want kids, where you want to live, what you want financially, or what your religions are. Things could totally work out, and like anything, hard work can fix a lot of boundaries. But if you walk down the aisle, make the “till death do us part” commitment in front of all your friends and family, and find out two hours later that you’re into normal, missionary sex while your husband wants to tie you up and use anal beads, you’re going to have a problem.
So yes, I believe that having sex before you’re married is a vital part of a long term relationship, and I believe that having sex with multiple people (safely, at your own emotional and sexual discretion) helps you discover what you’re into. I, personally, thoroughly enjoy impromptu sex that occurs with people I don’t plan to see again. It’s something I fully comprehend is not for everyone. It has always been a great way for me to experiment, diversify, and get to know my own body and the bodies of others.
However.
I have always had issues accepting my female parts. As a girl, you’re told by guys/magazines/peers/media growing up that vaginas smell like fish, are really difficult to navigate, and are basically just the sex hole used to give men pleasure. For years I’ve felt uncomfortable when a man touches me or, Science forbid, tries to go down on me. I’ve always felt like there’s no way a man could ever actually want to do that, so he should just skip it and fuck me so we can both derive pleasure from the experience. Never mind that I was always a very willing participant in pleasing him orally, that’s totally not as gross/smelly/difficult/etc. (Right, right?)
Nathan and my’s history also does not lend itself to positive feelings towards my nether regions. As my friends know, the Nathan I started off sleeping with in high school is not the Nathan I’m dating now. And in most every way, I have discarded all baggage associated with who we were prior to when we started officially dating almost 2 years ago. However, I’ve never really been comfortable with my vagina, and I feel like that’s a common thing for women. So that on top of my already horrible recollections of my current boyfriend’s recoil when prompted with the lips between my legs, has meant that even though he’s very interested in pleasing me now, I haven’t really been comfortable with the idea until recently.
Today I understood why people tout “relationship sex” as something amazing, intimate, and fantastic. All the shame that I feel about my body, all the hatred that’s been rammed into my head for as long as I can remember, all the things I learned about masturbation, sex, and nudity in church, all those things disappeared. I felt the freedom to let those things go, maybe look really stupid, and maybe have this man, this amazing, beautiful, wonderful, loving human being who I care so, so much about, reject my sexuality because for some reason I’ve thought all my life that having a vagina is “unnatural.” I let it go, and I made love to someone who is very important to me, who I can trust, who wants to please me sexually, and it was a phenomenal experience.
Yes, he’s gone down on me before, and touched me, and done his best to make me as sexually happy as I’ve been doing my best to make him for so many years. But I never truly let go and just did what felt good to me until today.
Now I understand. It’s not about that romantic sappy bull shit they sold you in The Notebook. It’s about being with someone who encouraged me today to trust him in such a way that promised that he wouldn’t laugh or be disgusted by what turns me on. There was no fear. And while there are wonderful merits to the sex I’ve had with other people, this was a new page for me. A new chapter.
And like so many things I’ve realized in the past year, this is just another one where there are merits to the things we were taught growing up. They’re just packaged so horribly that you think there’s no way that they can be legitimate. As someone who’s always touted the merits of casual sex, I’m here today to say I’m now also a firm believer in the power of relationship sex.
I raise an internet toast to the female anatomy, and all the men and women that love it!