Today

despite feeling like I in no way wanted to get out of bed (and have felt this way since Sunday)

I:

• Did 4 loads of laundry
• Went to HEB and got groceries
• Hung out with Nathan while he got a hair cut (he looks so sexy!)
• Went to a free improv show with Liz, Kirk, and Nathan
• Ran a mile, did a couple 10 sets on weights, and did 5 full 10 sets on that crazy thigh machine
• Did all but 4 of my chemistry homework problems and had Nathan do the rest
• Made myself some tea and gave myself a pep talk.

I know it seems silly, and I know to most of you it doesn’t seem like a big deal. I’ve been dealing with the fact that I have anxiety and depression and that saying it aloud makes me feel incredibly stupid. People in third world countries don’t have access to clean water or food, and here I am on my $1,300 laptop, drinking tea and stressing about my Calculus quiz tomorrow. 

But the thing is- it’s still a problem. Just because I have access to clean water, doesn’t mean my a/d isn’t real or isn’t a problem or is somehow not legitimate because I have a laptop and an iPhone. It’s a lesser issue than those that most of the world face every day. If I dropped out of school and lost everything I had, shelters would still be there to feed me and clothe me. No matter what I do to myself, it would be difficult for me to die due to lack of my basic needs being met.

Most people don’t have that luxury. It is a first world one.

However, it doesn’t mean depression doesn’t exist. Or anxiety doesn’t exist. Or somehow, because it would be difficult for me to die of hunger or thirst my problems are in no way legitimate.

It’s very hard for me to recognize this, and so I’m trying to say it on a public forum. Just like with my sex post about Nathan. It’s not easy, but it’s true and honest and I need to say it out loud. So here it is.

Today I felt like I wanted to cry, scream, vomit, and sleep for days. I felt sick and gross and unclean and my back hurt and I felt stupid and I had a headache and I fucking forced myself to walk outside, fold laundry, go to the store, and work out.

At first, it was horrible. I felt like every step was a challenge, every thought fighting through a fog, every emotion on the verge of bubbling over and yet the thought of it actually happening constricted beyond belief.

It sounds so dramatic when I type it out! But it’s true! 

And eventually, as I started to force myself… things became easier. Not perfect, not simple, not good. But easier. I can get through today. I can get through tomorrow. I am stronger than this silly pit in my stomach that gnaws at me. I am a strong, fabulous woman and I will be even stronger at the end of today.

That is all world. I will see you in the morning.